Pre-Therapy Prep

My first therapy session is fast approaching, I have three days before my session. I got some advice from some therapy veterans (and professionals) about some things to prepare before my appointment.

Going to a "shrink" is something that's been on my list of things to do for a long time now. Before all of this ADHD stuff came to light, I had tried (and failed) to access help for over two years. At the time, I thought I had some depression/anxiety/self confidence/anger/emotional issues that I needed help working out, but I now know that much of my inner struggle is actually largely rooted in my previously un-diagnosed ADHD.

I'm not sure if that helps me at all, as the issues I wanted help with are still technically there - but I do think that it frames my needs a bit differently. Instead of "my life is constantly falling apart and I am a mess and unhappy and don't know why" it's now a bit more focused which will likely help both me and the poor psychologist who is stuck with me out in a big way.

I also have a lifetime of baggage, negative thoughts and other stuff that I need help sorting out in order to get my head on straight. Oh boy... This is not going to be a fun one folks.

My psychiatrist (the one who diagnosed me and started my meds) suggested that before I go to my first session, that I write down a bit of a list of things that I want to achieve/address/confront. Apparently, it's quite common to have a million things in your mind, but once you arrive suddenly everything is blank. (I can see this being a very me thing to do!)

My best friend also told me that it's good to write things down, even if they seem insignificant. Your feelings, things that are on your mind and everything in between. Bring it in, and let the doctor decide what is low and high priority stuff. 

So, without further adieu - Here is my therapy list so far (in no particular order):

1) Coming to terms with actually suffering from mental illness:
It's been a couple weeks since my diagnosis, and although I had a pretty good idea that ADHD was creeping around in my brain, only recently has it became an official reality. I realize it's not something like Cancer, but I feel like I am still "grieving" a little and need a hand getting my head around it fully.

2) Learning to let go and forgive my feelings of being let down:
Basically, I self diagnosed at 31 and was diagnosed at 32 after much struggle and self advocacy. My entire life has been shaped by my silly brain chemicals without my knowledge and the people who were supposed to be the "adults" in my environment didn't seem to notice. I know it's not fair, but a part of me feels really let down by my parents, teachers and doctors. They were all so quick to label me "lazy", "under-achieving",  "immature", "irresponsible", "combative" and those things have followed me around, growing, festering and becoming who I thought I was for many, many years. Again, I know it's unfair to place blame, and the last thing I would want is for my mother to feel any sort of guilt about overlooking what is now so incredibly obvious to me..... but I'm still angry at all I missed, lost and failed at.

3) Learning to play the hand I was dealt:
So, this ADHD thing is fairly complicated and basically has it's nasty fingers in every aspect of my decision making, actions and overall outlook on life. I need to learn some better habits, techniques and tools in order to help push past the illness and do the things I need to do. (You know, like get work done, clean my house, and all of the other things that are fucking impossible on a daily basis) I need coping skills! Organization skills!

4) HOW TO STOP PICKING:
I say this in caps because, it's a pretty big fucking problem right now. It seems that since I have started my stimulant ADHD meds, I have had a MUCH harder time not picking. I sit here, covered in scabs and I am not impressed at my new found inability to leave my skin alone. I have band-aids on my arms because apparently, I needed to pick off several freckles. I have dime sized lesions on my face from squeezing, picking, tearing and overall torturing any zit that dares to pop up on it. I have sores on my head from finding random little bumps (which are usually caused by tugging elastics and bobby pins) that really suck when shampoo comes into play. It's to the point where I've been legit hiding in my house for fear of scaring small children in the outside world. This needs to stopppppp.

5) How to better deal with strong emotions/anxiety:
If you've read my blog, you already know a bit about the event that almost caused my life to end. You also probably know that it was responsible for a huge breakdown that really fucked me up. This is just one example of the most recent (and, to be fair worst) case of not knowing how to handle things properly. I get really mad. I get really offended. I get really sad. I get really upset. Time to figure out better methods to calm the heck down before I give myself a heart attack.

6) How to suck-less at time:
I am always late. Always. Without Fail. I am also terrible at anything that requires keeping time, watching time and waiting.

7) How to stop thinking everyone hates me:
That is a broad stroke, but I'll break it down. Apparently us ADHD folks often think that everyone, for one reason (or no reason) or another - hates our guts. Sometimes, my friends are just living their best lives and watching it from behind my computer screen not having heard from them in awhile makes me think "why don't they like me anymore? Why wasn't I invited? Do they hate me? Are they mad at me?". It sucks. It also sucks when you are just minding your own business out in the world and you spot a a couple people having a conversation and for just a second they glance over. WHY ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT ME? It's super silly, and really insecure of me, but it's a thing.

8) How to give less fucks about what other people think:
I am a people pleaser. I want people to like me! I will also, go out of my way to try to make them like me, even when it's actually sad/annoying/pathetic/unnecessary/overboard. When I think (keyword:think) they don't like me, it totally crushes me and I spend a lot of time obsessing over what I did wrong, or could have done better. I'm constantly concerned about what people will think about me when I meet them, or even leave my house. Will they like me? Will they think I'm smart? Funny? Stupid? Fat? Ugly? Not good enough to breath their air? Seriously, it's bad. The only people it's actually good for are waitresses/waiters - I seriously over-tip on a regular basis. Is it so bad to want them to walk back into the kitchen after I leave and say "wow that lady who just left was so awesome, look how much money she gave me!". (Answer: Yes. When you're consistently tipping 30-100% on every bill just to be liked? Get a gripppp!)

9) How to forgive myself and my failures:
I have a lot of years of messing up that weighs heavy on me every single day. That great job I lost, or that great friend I let down - it's all just hanging on my shoulders like a pile of bricks everywhere I go. I know now, that things weren't completely my fault and that my brain played a huge role in many of the things that I consider "failures" in life. I need help coming to terms with those things and stop "what if'ing" myself to death.

10) How to love myself:
I'm kind of a dumpster fire when it comes to confidence, and recently developments haven't exactly helped in that department. Hopefully, by checking off some of the things on my therapy list I can finally get back to liking myself again. How to be kind to myself, and replace the negative things I feel/believe/have been told with more positive affirmations.



So, that's my list so far. If I think of any more, I'll add them in another post, or edit this one. If you yourself have any suggestions on things that helped you out when you started seeing a therapist for ADHD, please let me know in the comments!

-S