Dear Mom:

I had my second therapy session today and was tasked with bringing in my "goals" list (which you can find in my blog) and we wound up focusing a lot on one in particular. Strap in, this is a long one.
If you follow my social media or have read some of my previous posts, this particular goal has been causing me a lot of stress, anxiety and pain. To quote myself from my "Pre-Therapy Prep" post, the goal is as follows:
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2) Learning to let go and forgive my feelings of being let down:
Basically, I self diagnosed at 31 and was diagnosed at 32 after much struggle and self advocacy. My entire life has been shaped by my silly brain chemicals without my knowledge and the people who were supposed to be the "adults" in my environment didn't seem to notice. I know it's not fair, but a part of me feels really let down by my parents, teachers and doctors. They were all so quick to label me "lazy", "under-achieving",  "immature", "irresponsible", "combative" and those things have followed me around, growing, festering and becoming who I thought I was for many, many years. Again, I know it's unfair to place blame, and the last thing I would want is for my mother to feel any sort of guilt about overlooking what is now so incredibly obvious to me..... but I'm still angry at all I missed, lost and failed at.
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I had asked the wonderful people of #ADHD Twitter their feelings on the subject, and I cannot even  begin to explain how many responses I got echoing my pain. I get new replies to my inquiry every single day from another adult who feels they were denied the chance at a better life and feels resentment towards the "adults" who were responsible for their development. 

Today, we spent most of our session discussing it, talking about my feelings and opinions on the subject my therapist said something to me that I simply cannot shake. While I cannot directly quote her, it was something along these lines:

"Just because it may not have been intentional, doesn't invalidate your feelings. Ultimately, whether it be from honest ignorance or just  being overlooked - the failure to recognize and diagnosis your ADHD as a child has had long-term, traumatic and wide spread effects on your mental health. Acknowledging the fact that you were in fact, let down by the people in your life is important and so is your need to address it in order to move on."

I can't help but agree with her, and hearing from her that she agrees with me and understands why I feel "stuck" in my progress was really good to hear.

The thing that I need to wrap me head around is - What do I actually want as a result? I actually tried to bring it up once while we were texting. I had started to tell her about my feelings of regret and wondering how much I missed out on over the years from having no knowledge of my condition. Her response, and this I can quote:

" Sounds like a huge pity fest going on in your head. All of these things only you can change"

That would be great advice for a number of topics normally, but I cannot change the past and I cannot change how my brain works. I cannot go back in time and scream I HAVE ADHD DAMMIT until someone listens. It's too late to get a better education, stick it out at that amazing job or save the friendships that have perished as a result of actions I took unaware of my condition.
That simple sentence was enough to put that "do not talk" wall up around myself and not want to share anything else.

Invalidating my feelings and not being able to take even a minuscule amount of responsibility for my pain is not what I wanted as a result.

Obviously some acknowledgement that I was mis-understood would be nice, and an apology for instead of getting me help, labeling me things that simply weren't true would be great. However, the last thing that I would want to do is make mom feel guilty or badly in any way. I don't want her to blame herself for my lifetime of struggles, that wouldn't make me feel any better either.

So where does that leave me? Her absolving herself of all involvement in my trauma doesn't make me happy. Blaming herself for it wouldn't make me happy either. Once again I can't help but think that the problem here must be me, just like it always has been.

This as I mentioned, has been something I have been fighting with ever since my diagnosis, so I had already come to these conclusions on my own before I stepped foot into therapy today. I explained my stance on the subject and to my complete shock she downright utterly disagreed. 

She told me that there was absolutely a middle ground between admitting no fault and taking full responsibility and that it wasn't my fault if someone couldn't get there, but it may be my responsibility to try to help them understand why it's important. She told me that my need to have my feelings, struggles and feelings of loss validated was not only completely normal, but a healthy first step to healing. She told me that acknowledging these feelings and wanting to move past them was not only impressive, but something that it takes a lot of people much longer to even recognize. 

Maybe i'm not the problem.

She suggested that instead of diving head first into a conversation with my mom, I first write a letter to her and try to get my thoughts in one place and be able to take my time finding the correct words. If I think it would be too hard to get out verbally, I can also give her the letter to read for herself. 

So, I'm going to do that here so all of you reading this can come along for the ride. Please let me know what you think.
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"Dear Mom, 

For as long as I can remember you have been one of the strongest women that I have ever known. You grew up during a time when parents were very hands-off and their children discover the world mostly on their own, making their own mistakes and learning their own lessons the hard way. I watched you endure a marriage to a terrible man and stick around because you thought that you had to for my sake. I then watched you decide to finally stick up for yourself and take hold of your own happiness for the first time in years. You went back to school in order to get a better career and now bust your ass every day in a position that would break most people. You learn to do things that need doing, whether it be laying your own wood flooring or re-wiring light fixtures. You manage to keep your house spotless, make sure your bills are paid and remember the birthdays of everyone in your life. No matter how tired you are from working shift work you always made sure you walked your dogs in even the worst Edmonton weather. You buy your groceries, run your errands and do every day adult things that need to be done without fail. 

If someone were to ask me who my role model is, I would say you are - without even a moments hesitation.

I however, don't possess many of the qualities that I admire in you so much and I've only now, at 32, been able to understand why. There are some things that I need to talk to you about, but in order to truly understand where I am now, I need to begin with where I started. 

Some of my earliest memories as a child were of trying to do what I thought I was supposed to do and never being able to succeed. Simple things like picking up my toys and putting them away when I was finished with them, or listening to directions were never really my strong points. Making new friends seemed easy, but being able to distinguish the good ones from the bad ones was something I didn't grasp. Paying attention in class without talking or disrupting the lesson was always a struggle and the need to express my opinions seemed to outweigh the rules and being respectful. Simply put, if I didn't want to do something - I rarely ever did and if I did want to do something, I almost always did.

As I got older, these problems never really went away. School isn't meant to be "fun", but for me that was an understatement. It was actually painful, boring and mind-numbing. My grades started slipping as the subjects got harder and I started to fall behind or not understand. The constant fear of being judged or considered stupid kept me from asking for help and often when I did manage to do so I felt like I was inconveniencing my teachers or peers. The more numbers, dates, names and facts they tried to cram in my head the less I felt able to focus. The messier my locker got the more assignments I lost and the more assignments I couldn't turn in the less I wanted to attend class. 

It didn't help that I was often unable to simply get myself there on time and started many of my days anxious about the impending punishment, lecture and embarrassment of showing up late to class. Even walking from one class to another seemed to take me longer than everyone else, A to B did not exist to me. 

The time it took for me to finish an assignment was always much longer than my friends and staying focused on homework was near impossible as I was constantly distracted by everything and nothing. 

Academically, no matter how hard I was fighting to stay afloat - I always felt like I was drowning. The more discouraged I got, the more fed up I got, the harder it was to try and eventually I stopped caring.

The only thing I did care about was actually having friends. I thought that I had found a group of people that liked me for the first time. I stopped getting bullied for my looks and started noticing that boys liked me. I stopped having the pretty girls make fun of me and realized that not only were these new friends the pretty girls, but I was considered one of them. The validation I felt after spending the past 9 years of school being the fat girl, the ugly girl the loser became the only thing that mattered and I was willing to do anything to hold onto that feeling.

I placed all of my self worth in the hands of others as at that point, the opinion of these "friends" was the only positive opinion I had about myself. 

At home I was "lazy" and would constantly piss you off with my lack of helping around the house and cleaning up after myself. I was "underachieving" when my grades started plummeting. I was "disappointing" when I would constantly let you down.

At school I was "stupid" for not understanding concepts that other kids did, "irresponsible" for being late and not completing assignments and a "slacker" for half-assing the things I did complete. 

The only place that I was even remotely accepted was with my friends and those relationships became my entire life.
I never really realized it at the time, never-mind understood it - but the opinions of others and fear of being disliked or judged was stronger than any spider or monster could ever be.

Eventually, all of these things caught up with me and I found myself in serious trouble at school. Under the threat of expulsion, I was granted a "probation" to improve my attendance and grades. I remember the way you looked at me, and I remember crying my eyes out at how badly I had let you down. Unfortunately, not even with the axe hanging over my head was I able to smarten up and conduct myself accordingly. I tried not to be late, but wound up late anyways. I tried not to miss classes, but missed classes anyways and eventually got myself booted out. 

The next year I tried again at a new school, determined to catch up in order to be able to graduate with my friends. I really wanted to do well, I really wanted to get through highschool and make both of us proud. I wasn't kidding when I begged and pleaded with the principle to let me in and made promises with the best of intentions. It only took a few days for me to realize that it wasn't going to work. There was too much freedom and not enough supervision in that program for someone with so many problems focusing and keeping on task. Then the Diabetes kicked in and I honest to god can't remember much of what happened after that. I don't know if I dropped out or was asked to leave or just stopped showing up altogether. 

The following years followed a pattern which soon became as predictable as it was destructive. I went through relationships, friends, jobs and varying levels of self hatred at an alarming rate. 

It didn't matter what I was doing for work, it didn't take long before something I did (or didn't do) caused me to either get fired or quit. Even if I enjoyed the job, I would eventually lose interest and start decreasing in performance and enthusiasm until once again, I was fired or quit. If something got too hard or stressful the easiest thing for me to do was simply no longer do it. Finding a "good" job was tough with no diploma or post-secondary education so I kept bouncing around trying to find my place.

I went through periods that I was so broke that I dated guys that were willing to pay my way but treated me like shit. I allowed myself to be used by others in a desperate attempt to keep their affection despite never feeling good enough. I stood by losers that brought me down with them and I kept running back to jerks who kept breaking my heart. I even let someone hurt and threaten me over and over in an alcohol fueled rage.

I moved out and back in again a few times as I was never a good enough adult to stand on my own two feet alone - never had a stable enough job nor was I responsible with money. I was a loser floating around my own life with no grip and seemingly no control of anything.
The smallest insult or criticism sent me into a tailspin of self doubt. I fell hard and fast over and over and my heart broke with an impact so strong I thought at times I might actually die. When I was sad, I was really sad. When a group of people were talking, I always thought they were talking about me. I constantly questioned whether or not people liked me, were mad at me and if they cared at all.
My apartments were always a mess, personal areas were always full of garage and dirty dishes - endless mountains of clutter on every surface.

There was only one thing that has remained a constant in my life from childhood to now:

"You are lazy. You are stupid. You are immature. You are irresponsible. You are unreliable. You are a bad person. You have no value. They don't like you. They are judging you. You will fail."

Of all the things that have come and gone, my inner monologue of self loathing has been the only thing that never left. 

I'm 32 now, and somehow managed to stumble my way into a pretty good life. I married a wonderful man who loves me despite all of my various flaws and we bought our first home. I have a good relationship with you now and enjoy spending time with you and it feels like we are finally friends. I even carved out a little niche for myself and have a job that I don't totally hate.

Still, the problems I have always had are present every single day. I used to joke that I am basically Murphy's Law incarnate as a way to make light of what most can only describe as epic amounts of bad luck to cope with things as they fell apart. I still have little to no self confidence, I still have little to no value attached to me as a person, I still stress out over things going wrong and I still think about all of the things I wish I had done differently.

Except now I have something I never did before - The knowledge that I actually have a neuro-developmental disorder and have had it all of my life. 

I don't know how much you know about ADHD or if you've taken the time to do any research of your own, so I am going to take a moment to describe it to you the best that I can. 

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (or, ADHD) paints a picture of unruly children, and is an outdated acronym to describe a complex Neurological Disorder that effects each person differently. Studies have shown that ADHD brains have low levels of a neurotransmitters called "Norepinephrine" and "Dopamine". These transmitters regulate the flow of information in the brain and are directly linked to your executive functions and "reward system."

The four areas of the brain that are effected by the lack of normal functioning chemicals are the ones directly responsible for problem solving, memory, language, motivation, judgement, focus, impulse control, social behavior, planning, decision making, attention, ability to delay gratification, time perception and emotional regulation.

People with ADHD can be categorized into three "types". Some are more prone to inattentive behaviors, some are prone to more "hyperactive/impulsive" behaviors and some are a combination of both.

Often, people with ADHD have or develop (and especially those who go a long time before a diagnosis) co-morbid conditions such as depression, anxiety, OCD, Dermotillomaina, Emotional Dysregulation Disorder, Impostor Syndrome and many other varying things that would take too long to list.

I fall under the category of the combined type, I believe that I have always had anxiety, EDD and some level of Dermotillomania all along, but have developed depression and Imposter Syndrome along the way from so many failures and let downs. (I'll let you google those for more clarity.)

Although it may seem like I am more inattentive, the "hyperactivity" doesn't always manifest physically. For me, the restlessness is in my head in my limbs.

You know that feeling when you finally put up your feet, maybe lay outside in the sun or unwind with a hot bath or good book to relax? That sense of peace? I have never truly known that feeling like most people experience it. I am *always* thinking about hundreds of things all at once. The thoughts vary and can range from work to friends to feelings to stresses to movies to dogs to the color of the walls to trying to identify distant sounds or remember something from the past. Quieting my thoughts for even a moment was simply not possible. It didn't matter if I was trying to relax on a beach, watching a movie, working, out with friends or cuddling my dog - it has always been deafeningly loud and impossible to ignore. When I'm not thinking or engaged with something, I am wiggling my legs, feet or fidgeting with my hands. Trying to get to sleep at night can take hours, if my brain isn't moving my limbs are.
Can you imagine for a moment, never experiencing calm?
The only thing that has ever actually managed to keep my focus and distract me from the noise is playing video games. The constant changing problems to solve, the challenge of figuring out what to do, the action of completing the task and instant knowledge of the result is something that works perfectly for someone with ADHD. If you fail, you can try again. If you win, you don't have to wait to see if you get a pat on the back, as a reward is instant and obvious. "The Feedback Loop" allowed me to occupy my hands and my brain at the same time doing something that was engaging physically, mentally, emotionally and logically. It's the quadfecta of ADHD bliss.

Outside of my head however, lies the reality that I have never been fully in control of my actions. Knowing I should do something has very little impact on my ability to actually do it. Knowing I shouldn't do something has very little impact on my ability to stop myself from doing it. Even the most simple things that would take mere minutes feel insurmountable to someone with ADHD and the decreased dopamine in our brains makes achieving these everyday tasks yield a much smaller feeling of accomplishment and success than "normal" people. (Which makes doing it again, or doing something else even less attractive or likely.)

When it comes to tasks that we know are going to be hard, time consuming, complicated, involve many steps or what we deem "boring" it's about a million times harder and a million times less likely that we will even get started. Standing in the middle of a super messy room looking around, knowing that you should/have to clean it up but feeling paralyzed with anxiety and unable to figure out how to start is a really good example for me personally. Identifying and taking the first step can feel like trying to decipher another language and quickly leads to frustration and putting it off for another day. "I'll do it later" is probably the phrase I have uttered the most in my life. Do I actually mean to do it later? Yes. Will I? Not always. Sometimes I simply forget, sometimes I get distracted and lose track of time and sometimes I avoid it because thinking about it makes me want to cry.

Staying present during an activity, be it a movie, a lecture in school or even sitting down to dinner causes me a physical feeling of discomfort that I can't quite describe. It's not that I don't want to be there, or don't care about the people or things that are around me - it's simply that staying focused on one thing at a time isn't how I am wired. It's like having an itch that won't go away - constantly being bored and wanting to switch gears regardless of what that means, has a sensation to it. 

Time management is also a big issue in people with ADHD. Time actual concept of time is not something that we are good at perceiving. If I think something is going to take me an hour and plan accordingly, it will wind up taking me an hour and a half, or only thirty minutes - there is really not much in-between. How much time has passed while I am doing something is also not something I have a good grasp of. If I am engaged with whatever I'm doing, hours can pass like minutes. If I am not engaged with what I am doing, minutes seem like hours. If I had a dollar for every time I looked at a clock and was genuinely shocked at how much or little time has gone by I would probably be able to retire now and live like a queen. 

Pre-Planning based on time also isn't generally an effective strategy. I may know that I have to be ready and out the door by 9am, and I may have the best intentions to make it happen but that doesn't usually have any impact on how it works out. I often say to myself "Okay, You have to shower, blowdry your hair, put on makeup, get dressed, brush your teeth and leave by 9am, so you need to be up and moving by 7:30". Assuming I actually had some amount of quality sleep and was able to get up on time without impulsively pressing snooze over and over, going from task to task is a whole different challenge. 

Between the bed and the shower I might stop at a mirror and mess with a zit for a few minutes. The shower I think is quick turns out to be 20-30 minutes long without me realizing it. From the shower to my room I might stop to gather my purse and check my phone and wind up replying to texts or checking my social media for awhile. While blow-drying my hair I'll need to stop and put on some music, and spend time looking for a particular album in the disorganized pile of albums somewhere in my room - which leads to the need to organize them on the spot before being able to get back on task. During my makeup maybe I get a phone call, or decide that one eye looks slightly different from the other and obsess about the symmetry and re-do my eyeliner a dozen times before feeling like it's right. Finding clean clothes in the many piles of laundry always takes longer than expected, and before I know it I'm folding some things and hanging others. Then, I have to deal with hating how I look in everything and changing multiple times. Gotta pack my purse. Gotta find socks. Where are my keys? Before I know it I am already 30 minutes late and haven't even brushed my teeth and am instantly filled with so much anxiety about the consequences of my tardiness that the idea of cancelling my plans or calling in sick becomes a totally viable option. (That I often choose.)

The only thing that feels worse than the idea of being late, is being rushed. Having someone pressure you against a clock or having a deadline for something can actually result in a total shutdown of progress and more anxiety than I can describe. I am no good at time.

The best way I can think to describe ADHD is like having a full 100 piece orchestra playing all at once, all of the time - but never the same song. Trying to pick out one instrument from the others while they are all playing something completely different is very hard. The second you think you have found the sound you were digging for, another one overpowers it and then another and another and before long you can't even remember what you were trying to hear in the first place. All the while, there happens to be a room full of other things to look at and draw your attention from the music. Wondering what the conductor actually does, trying to name the shade on the walls, disliking the feeling of the fabric of the seats, overhearing the conversations of the other people in your row, trying to remember the name of the building you are in or where you parked your car - suddenly you can't even hear the music anymore and have no idea how long you've been there.
It's crowded. It's loud. It's overwhelming. It's scattered.

You might be wondering what my point is, and when I will actually get around to making it. Well, that is a whole separate issue that would involve me explaining how terrible people with ADHD are at telling fluid and concise stories because our brains often are ten miles ahead of our mouths/fingers and jump back and fourth between ideas before we have a chance to catch up. 

I'll try to spare you from this now that I just realized I was doing it and get to the point:

None of it was truly my fault.

I was never lazy, stupid, immature, irresponsible, unreliable, an under-achiever, a slacker, a bad person or any of the things that I have spent my life hearing and formulating into the summary of my person.

Without being diagnosed, treated, and taught the skills to help counter-act and understand the way my brain works I've been fundamentally playing a game that was rigged to lose.

Now at 32 finally understanding that the problem isn't me, my personality or my ability to keep promises - realizing the problem is that I am not, and have never been wired for success. While overcoming, dealing with, working with and adapting to life with ADHD is something that is hard, it's achievable. Medications can help boost the production of the missing chemicals. Therapy and coaching can teach me how to work with my strengths and better manage my weaknesses. Gaining the ability to cut myself some damn slack can help me with anxiety and greatly impact my overall mental health.

With that realization lies the reason for my letter. 

If I had been recognized and diagnosed as a child, I would have had access to the medications that would have helped balance out my brain. I would have had access to professionals who could help instill more effective skills, coping mechanisms and habits in me. I would have had a support system in place that understood my needs. I would have had a better chance at a better life. 

But instead of any of that everyone just jumped to the worst conclusions that I believe were completely opposite of my proven nature. Why would a girl who didn't care what her parents thought apologize and cry when she got in trouble? Why would a girl who didn't try be so frustrated when she didn't understand the assignment. Why would the girl who begged for forgiveness so sincerely and so often be considered a bad kid? I wasn't that unruly, out of control, violent, loud, rebel who told his parents and teachers to fuck off and was brought home by the police for vandalizing a building. I was the kid who tried out for extra-circular activities like plays, sports and choirs. I was the kid who stood up against her dad when he was going to beat the family dog. I was the kid who has never once thrown a party in her parents house when they weren't home. I was the kid that was polite to her teachers, friendly to strangers and wanted nothing more than to fit in.

How did so many adults in charge of my development, how did my mom not see that I needed help? That something just didn't fit with my behavior, my grades or my attitude? Why was I automatically lazy and irresponsible and lectured instead of talked to? Why was I drug tested instead of brought to a therapist? When the same fight, the same method and the same argument didn't change the outcome despite what I feel were earnest and honest apologies and promises to do better - did nobody consider that I was actually trying and didn't even understand myself why I was failing?

You have always been the strongest woman I have ever known. You have fought and picked yourself back up from situations that have crippled others. Why didn't you fight for me? Why was the idea that I was just a bad kid easier to come up with than the idea that I might have needed help?

I feel let down, and although I know it's not fair - I can't help but feel some resentment about it.

Part of the path to the new me, includes being able to forgive myself for my many past failures and that is something that I have to work on, but before I can truly move past and look forward this is something that I needed to share.

I don't want to place blame on you for the trauma that I am now trying to overcome, I don't want you to apologize or feel guilty for not realizing what was happening back then. I don't want you to feel bad about it. I understand that having a child doesn't instantly make you an expert on mental health, psychology and developmental disabilities. I understand that girls typically present ADHD differently than the boys, tend to try to hide and mask their struggles instead of bearing them to the world through outlandish behavior and bouncing off the walls. I understand that mental health and mental illness weren't issues that were widely spoken about twenty years ago like they are today, and the chance of recognizing issues was much less likely due to it being a much less verbalized issue in society.

I do feel, however, that there are things that I do want from you.

I need to know that you believe me. I need you to try to understand what ADHD truly is, and acknowledge the struggles that I have been facing are valid and real. I need you to look back at all the times we fought, the times I let you down and the times you threw your hands up and realize that I was trying my best. I need you to help release me from the labels that have stuck to me like glue for so many years that I only applied to myself because they were applied to me. I need you to know that i'm not making up excuses, but I in fact have a medically and scientifically sound reason for failing at normal. I need you to validate my feelings as more than just a "pity party" - and I need you to forgive me.

I truly do feel like this is something that I need. 

I hope that this letter made sense to you, and that you get why I felt the need to write it. Right now, I need the support and compassion from the people in my life more than ever and while I can't force you to understand something, I truly do hope that you can take the time to try. 

I love you, 

- S "