WHY START A BLOG?

I spent my life thinking I was stupid, immature, irresponsible, ugly, unlovable, flawed and worthless.
I struggled with things that seemed to come effortlessly to everyone around me.
I went through jobs, friends, relationships, hobbies and dreams so often that the only explanation for it all was that I was a total and complete failure.
I let down everyone so often that I actively stopped seeking new opportunities and experiences.
The only common denominator in every situation was me.

I was the problem. It was my fault.

When I finally realized that I needed help, it was nowhere to be found. Mental health services in my community were hard to access, and even harder to qualify for. I was told by several intake employees that I was simply "not un-well enough" to access any services. I was not (yet) suicidal. I was not addicted to drugs or alcohol. I was not considered a danger to myself or others. Private services were costly and unattainable. A therapist in my city starts at $180/hour. I simply couldn't afford it, as I had enough expenses to thoroughly exhaust my financial situation as it stood. My family doctor is a great lady, and tried to help. Her suggestions were logical, but to me felt impossible. I was put on anti-depressants but never noticed a difference in my life and stopped taking them after awhile.

As time went on, things got worse. Like dominoes, one thing fell into another into another. One tiny brick could cause a chain reaction reaching long and far. I felt like a failure. I started to neglect my physical health and was not taking my medications for my diabetes, thyroid and blood pressure. Feeling terrible, tired and sick constantly kept me from leaving my house, going to work and socializing. Being cooped up at home led to being less active which made me gain weight and neglect my personal hygiene. Feeling fat, ugly and gross made me avoid photos, going out in public, friends and loved ones altogether. Feeling lonely led to worthlessness and it wasn't long before I had given up entirely on ever being "normal" again.

From the time I asked for help, over two years had passed before I finally found someone to listen and got a referral to a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with ADHD, accompanied by co-morbid Depression and Anxiety. ADHD had been running my life. Un-diagnosed and untreated, I was a slave to my brain's inability - an illness was behind everything. 

Suddenly, I make sense - and it wasn't my fault.

I still have unanswered questions. Why is mental health help so hard to find? Why is there still such a stigma about mental illness? Why are we scared to speak out? Why aren't we listened to?

I still have a long way to go. What comes next? Will it get better? How do I cope? But for the first time in a long time, I have hope.

It's hope that drove me to create this blog to share with you all. It's hope that will give me the courage to talk about my experiences candidly with friends and strangers alike. It's hope for a better me, hope for a better future and hope for happiness.

I invite you to join me on the journey through mental health. Together, we can fight towards a brighter tomorrow.

Unbowed. Unbent. Unbroken.

- S